


Cosmic Derp

by Canablah



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Action, Also a sex God, Altered plot-lines, Angst, But not romance, Darcy Lewis is a BAMF, F/M, Going to get smutty really fast, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Loki's a dick, Presumably comical title gone wrong, Romance, Unhealthy Relationships, loki is the bastard king of asgard, lots of swearing, so much sass, tasertricks - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-22
Updated: 2014-01-23
Packaged: 2018-01-09 16:17:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1148078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Canablah/pseuds/Canablah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Let's face it, Loki would be more inclined to kill Darcy than keep her. That's why this was never supposed to happen. All of it was a big mistake. Darcy knows that. But that doesn't mean she's trying to stop it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Space is about butts.

**Author's Note:**

> Tasertricks has got to be the most badass pairing in the marvel universe (up for debate, mind you). Ridiculous, yet filled with utter witty banter, sexual tension and naked Loki goodness. What a beautiful thing. This is my first story exploring this fucked up relationship, and I hope you like it.

 

“Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.” - Oscar Wilde

 

* * *

 

In the infamous words of her ancient ancestors, FML.

One big slap to the the fucking face. That’s what this day was. In fact, that’s was this week, in general, was turning out to be. First of all, dogs were not allowed in Headquarters. Second of all, the man who just had himself a decent handful of her ass was going to die in the next three seconds. Darcy Lewis had him in a locked stare from across the room and she hoped that she looked like a blue-eyed leopard about to rip his dick off.

He took a moment to glance- nervously- in her direction.

_Oh yeah, that’s right little man, feel very afraid._

A minute smile crawled across her mouth.

Nobody grabbed Darcy’s ass without her permission. She wasn’t some Hooters employee, and the words  _‘_ _I couldn’t help but touch it’_  were not, under any circumstance, flattering. They were shabby, over-used, and the lamest excuse ever. If you wanted to grab some ass, just appeal to the sympathy of female kind; explain to them, eye to eye, that you couldn’t get laid because you were a dirt bag, and so you needed, this one time, to hold a butt. But don’t just fucking seize it.

That’s why he was going down.

The dangly earrings she had decided to adorn that day, however, had other plans. An abrupt tug to one of the shiny pieces brought her out of murder-land and into pain-land. She snarled, wrapped her hand around the German Shepherd pup, and pulled it up off the floor.

“Let go,” she told Tiero, glaring at the pointy-eared demon. He obliged and plopped down into her lap, panting sweetly, looking up at her.

“No,” she said.

His ears flopped down.

She sighed. “Fine. Do you want to go for a walk?”

He yipped in delight, hopped down onto the floor, and proceeded to flip the hell out.

Darcy scooped Tiero back into her arms, scolding the dog for its stupidity. Then again, he was only a puppy. And really cute. And tiny. And-  _okay, Darcy, don’t get sidetracked by adorable shenanigans; you’re duties are walk a dog and then kick ass. No distractions._

She grabbed his leash off her desk and made a move for the door with the little dog tucked under her shoulder.

“Darcy?” Ian raised an eyebrow as his girlfriend (and boss) stalked past in obvious displeasure.

“Taking Fido out.” She didn’t even bother to look Ian’s way when she passed, instead pretending she was engrossed on getting the leash hooked onto his collar and not snagging fur in the process.

Ian opened his mouth to offer his services, but the woman was already flying through the doorway. He sighed and turned back to his computer.

“Would you please hurry up?” The request fell on deaf ears. Tiero, who was apparently going to be the next revolution in superhero dog, had a thing for barking at squirrels. And pedestrians. And trying to get small children to pet his butt. As a side note, the small children were more than happy to oblige.

“Alright, take your happy, waggly ass to that post and piss right now, or so help me I will give you away to a homeless woman. Tiero!” Darcy was getting fed up with being dragged around by a fifteen pound ball of fur really fast. They had already conquered at least the entire street of Orange boulevard and not once had he lifted his leg.

The dog stopped, turned around, and looked at Darcy, head quirking to the side.  

“Pee,” she demanded, trying to resist the cute-ness.

He kept staring, oblivious to what the strange human crazy woman was saying.

“How the hell are you going to pass for a real canine when you can’t even mark your territory?! Lady dogs are never going to like you.”

He barked and took charge at the unsuspecting Darcy, obviously taking her attention with a grain of salt. Tiero jumped around Darcy’s legs, nipping at her stockings with painfully sharp teeth, trying to grab her flesh in his mouth. He succeeded a couple of times without her pushing him off. The black leggings she had on were no match for his teeth, though, and they were littered with rips by the time she managed to push him away. Well, for a second, at least.

“No! Bad Tiero! Ow! You little-”

To anyone else watching the fiasco, it probably was pretty comical. A girl struggling to pull a tiny dog off of her leg, spinning around, and then falling face first on the sidewalk. Of course, the puppy saw this as a golden opportunity, and pounced on the bundle of hair atop Darcy’s head, biting her ears and trying to rip the roots from her skull while soiling her shirt with his dirty, mud-stained paws.

“I am going to-”

“Miss Lewis,” interrupted a very annoyed voice from above her sprawled form. She lifted her head from the pavement to see Jane’s new associate. His arms were crossed and he didn’t look too happy- but what self-respecting company owner would? “Need I remind you that I requested you stay in the building?” Offhandedly, he snapped at Tiero, making a motion with his finger for the dog to come.

Tiero froze in an abrupt halt and stepped off Darcy in favor of sitting calmly by his master’s feet. Well, that was a distinct change from the personality he’d had only moments before. Darcy scowled at the tiny creature while pulling herself up off the ground.

She brushed her blouse off and tried not to give fancy man the evil eye. “He needed to pee,” she reasoned, “and I wasn’t gonna let him do it all over the carpet. Have you ever tried to get pee-stains off a carpet?”

“Nevertheless, my demands fell on deaf ears,” he grumbled, “it’s dangerous to be out here- by yourself- with him.”

“What’s he gonna do? Acid piss on my leg?”

He gave her a glare. “Thank you for watching him, Miss Lewis. Remind your boss that I will be in touch.”

As the man stalked away with a tight grip on Tiero’s leash, Darcy waved at them both. “Yeah, I’ll be sure to do that!” she called.

“Dick,” she murmured, turning around and trumping back to Headquarters with a scowl on her face and a few good rips in her leggings. If there was one thing she could not stand, it was wealthy, white business men who thought they owned the general population of New York. Except Tony. He was cool.

When she slammed back through the broad glass doors, Jane was standing beside Ian, pointing at his computer screen. “See,” she was saying, “these markings mean something entirely different as opposed to the ones across from them.”

Darcy tried not to roll her eyes at the way Ian was taking this boring shit in; just nodding like he was interested. She leaned on the desk beside him and looked over at what Jane was babbling on about. Readings. More readings. Her life was like one big intergalactic reading.

“So,” she stated blankly.

They both looked at her expectantly.

Darcy raised her hands in defense. “Whoa, sorry, I just thought you’d start explaining some boring science stuff on cue.”

Ian grinned, but Jane did not. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked at Darcy like she had just committed scientific homicide. Which reminded her, anyway, that she had a bone to pick with a certain ass-grabber in the room.

“Darcy,” Jane started, “do you think it’s wise for you to be pissing Carter off before we can get him to endorse half our new equipment?”

“What?” Darcy asked, “he’s just mad cuz’ his dog likes me better than him. And somebody has to do some pissing around here, because lord knows that animal is not going too.”

“He’s not mad,” Jane retorted, not bothering to show confusion for her comment. Darcy was good at confusing people, but Jane could sidestep that easily from years of exposure. “He just tends to get annoyed when interns don’t follow his instructions.”

“He told me to watch the dog,” Darcy reminded, “usually, watching dogs requires a bathroom break every three hours or so.”

“It was only an hour, Darcy,” Ian added.

“Umm, Ian, who do  _you_ work for?” Darcy raised both eyebrows at the sheepish boy, a smug look of superiority on her face.

He cleared his throat, straightened his tie, and then looked over at Jane as if for assistance in dealing with the brunettes anger.

Jane looked down at Ian almost pitifully, then raised her eyes to level at Darcy. “Ian got a job in the technology department, Darce. He’s not your intern anymore.”

“What?!” Darcy groaned. Her condescending look turned to child-who-got-their-toy-stolen-face. “First you take away my bathroom breaks and then my slave? That was my only simple pleasure in life.”

Ian patted her hand, but Darcy wretched that same appendage away from his touch. “And when were you going to tell me about this?!” she petitioned.

“Er,” he tried, rubbing the back of his neck and shoving the comforting hand into his lap. “I wasn’t. That’s why Jane just did.”

“Why?” Darcy asked, directing the question at Jane this time.

“Because you wouldn’t hurt  _me_ ,” Jane told her, smiling a little despite herself. “And it was my fault.”

“And you didn’t think I would hurt  _you_  why?” Darcy asked, lowering her eyes.

“I’m special.” Jane proceeded to push a hand through her pocket and dig out a shiny pair of keys that Darcy had never seen before- oh, but how she had always  _wanted_  to see them. Jane dangled them in the fluorescent light, teasing both her and Ian with the shimmery glow for a moment, but Ian, unlike Darcy, just looked annoyed. “Guess who got an official S.H.I.E.L.D. car?”

“No.” Darcy’s mouth was about two inches away from catching flies, and her shoulders were slumped down in awe. This was not happening. Awesome things, after all, did not and could not happen on generally crappy days.

“Oh yeah.” Jane’s look reminded Darcy of that one time when they were younger and she got the tickets to see Pearl Jam for twenty dollars off. Her grin was glaring.

“We get to be like real agents now!” Darcy wailed.

Ian quirked an eyebrow at both of the hyper women as they proceeded to flip over a new car that they would both have to, presumably, split between them, and, not to mention, only be able to drive on official business matters. He then decided to point this out if only to quiet the incessant celebrating.

They both stopped ranting for a moment in favor of glaring at Ian.

“Shut up,” Darcy told him.

Ian turned back to his laptop with a sigh, ignoring their renewed squeals of jubilee.

Darcy grabbed Jane’s tiny waist in a tight hug, lifting her friend off the ground just a tad bit and ignoring the laughing protests. Although she was astoundingly happy about the whole thing, there was one minor life detail that she was over-looking. Alright, actually, there were some major ones, but the only important one right then was getting even. And Darcy Lewis might have been bad at some things (such as deadlines and work in general), but getting even was not one of those things.

She plucked the keys from Jane’s hand, and, without warning, left her and Ian standing by his desk. Sauntering and condescending, Darcy Lewis trudged up to Mr. Can’t Keep His Hands To Himself and smiled warmly.

Every fear he had been harboring for her the moment she had cast that pointed glare from across the room now spilled out onto the surface. He distinctly reminded her of a mouse caught by the cat. The fierce, sexy, doesn’t-take-you-shit cat.

Darcy Lewis was an up-front kind of person, but when she couldn’t kick you in the face right away- such as in an important business meeting- she came later and destroyed you.

Heady with power, she raised the keys to eye-level with him. “Know what these are?” she asked prettily.

He shook his head no.

“S.H.I.E.L.D. car keys. Agent car keys.  _My_ car keys. And the next time you decide to grab a ladies ass without permission, consider that, later, she might be able to hunt you down and run you over with her brand new, sleek, black ride. Which also happens to be very inconspicuous in nature. So catching said murderous culprit would be kind of hard to do. Got that, dude?”

He nodded. “I’m sorry,” he said, still trying to save his own ass (how ironic). “I thought it was a compliment.”

She almost laughed out loud. Obviously, he was new here. “Compliment?” She rolled her eyes, reared her foot back, and then stomped on his foot with her new converse. After all, they were fresh off the shelves, and they needed to see some action to be properly broken in.

The man howled, grabbing his shiny black shoe in one hand.

Some of the more concerned agents looked their way. Most did nothing, though. Kind of like cool parents, the workers of S.H.I.E.L.D. didn’t concern themselves with personal matters. It was a superhero agency, after all. If they were used to a guy throwing around his magic hammer and summoning thunderstorms, then they were certainly not opposed to a lady showing some thunder of her own.

“What was that for?!” He hissed.

“It was a compliment,” she grinned, turning on her heel. “Oh, by the way bro,” she added, looking over her shoulder at the seething guy, “I like your shoes.”

Drunk off of Thor-like power and working her stuff, she pranced back to Jane and threaded an arm through her own. “Let’s go test out the car.”

Jane looked her over for a moment, then pulled her arm away. She grabbed the keys from Darcy’s hand and stuffed them into her own pocket. “I’ll drive.”

“Did he grab your ass or something?” Ian asked, looking very oblivious to this whole situation.

“Ian, you’re so adorably British. I’ll see you at my place tonight.”

For, unfortunately, not the first time in his life, Ian wondered why he was always the one watching people cat-walk out of glass doors confused as hell.

____

Before Jane could put the car into gear, there was a light tap at the window that made her and Darcy both shriek.

“What the hell?!” Darcy screeched, her phone laying forgotten on the floor from where she had dropped it, all the adrenaline in her rapidly dropping when she saw the face of none other than Thor on the outside of the glass.

Jane pressed the down button on the window.

“Thor!” Darcy yelled. “You’re really hot, but things like that are a no-no. Women are already bad enough drivers as it is without pieces of man candy running around and trying to give them heart-attacks.” There was a give-them-heart-failure-with-your-penis-instead joke in there somewhere, but that was beneath her.

“My apologies.” Thor reached an arm through the window and clasped Jane’s shaky hand in his own, pulling it away from the steering wheel. “Jane, are you alright?”

Jane looked him over for a moment, then she laughed. “I’m okay. I guess I was just excited.”

“Alright, none of this novel-length teen romance stuff,” Darcy grumbled, trying to reach down and see where her phone had decided to land. She rested her cheek against the dash, keeping her eyes on Thor and Jane.

“We were just about to test drive,” Jane told him, ignoring Darcy’s comments. “Would you like to join us?”

Thor smiled. “As appealing as it sounds to watch you and Darcy drive your new toy, I have something I need to discuss with you. And it is important,” he added, narrowing his gaze just slightly for serious effect.

“Okay, what kind of important?” Darcy interrupted, her face still smashed against the dashboard. “Like, fly-off-to-Asgard-without-Darcy important?”

Apparently, there was some unspoken connection between the scientist and the beefcake-  _ha, that should be a romance novel title_ \- because Thor was looking at Jane and Jane was looking at Thor, and unlike all their other gaze-into-each-other’s-eyes appointments Darcy had tagged along on, they actually looked like they didn’t want to rip each other’s clothes off this time.

Jane turned over to Darcy just as she found her iPhone and pulled it up off the car carpet.

“What?” Darcy said.

“I’ll be right back. Do not drive this car without me.” Jane took the keys out of the ignition and handed them to Darcy.

She took them. “Um, okay, I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but that was very contradictory.”

Jane popped open the car door and left Darcy sitting alone in the comfy leather. While her and Thor were walking away, she snapped a picture of both their backsides, pushed post, and admired her new Instagram photo with a smirk.

The tags were #bodaciousbooties, #lookatdatass, and #assgardian. Classy.

But Jane better hurry the heck up or Darcy Lewis would be tempted to christen this car on her own. And she would do it. She would do most things for a good ride.


	2. Forgotten Pants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plot then porn. Plot then porn. It's so hard. But, alas, there must be some back-story before our estranged meeting of souls. Still, there will be Loki in the next chapter, so prepare yourselves for some massive sexual tension. For now, here's some annoying humor and plotty thickness.

All of her life- well, at least the parts of it she didn’t spend partying- were combined at this minuscule moment. Every laugh, every tear, every weird sexual encounter in a bathroom- they were all distinct preludes to this. Darcy felt like somebody was smacking her in the face, but they had already smacked her in the face a-lot prior, and so she couldn’t really feel anything because her face was numb.

She looked Jane square in the eyes, gripped the comfort coffee cup closer to her chest, and said again, “what?”

 

It was stupid, but the thought of Jane and Thor actually playing a joke on her- for once- was more plausible than the recent events brought to life. And it was stupid to think she was the only one stunned or affected negatively by this, because there were a-lot of other people who were probably way more concerned than her right now. Nevertheless, she was pretty damn distraught. And it was hard to get the self proclaimed laid-back slacker of the century upset about something. But this? This was upsetting.

A little less than a year back, when Darcy actually thought her life was going to pull together- when Jane had convinced her to pack up her bags and move from New Mexico to Manhattan, and they had semi-solid jobs as S.H.I.E.L.D. workers- she told herself that if this crazy shit ever started to happen again, she was going to physically punt herself off of a cliff.

Well, it was cliff-punting time.

In retrospect, it would have been wise to prepare for these things because, really, cosmic events and destinies didn’t give a crap whether you were entering your fourth year of college or not. The universe gave no shits. The universe was going to fuck you over. Just when you had a decent apartment and a manageable salary, you were doomed. So she should have been more understanding. However, she was not.

“Darcy,” Jane said again, leaning over the table to level her eyes with the confused, distraught orbs of her friend, “are you even listening to me?”

“I’m listening,” Darcy confirmed, but her far-off gaze and lack of wit proved otherwise.

“Do not crack on me,” Jane said levelly. “I can’t handle that right now.”

She was right. She was absolutely right. This was way worse for Jane. She was at risk of losing Thor again. And then Darcy would have to deal with sexually frustrated Jane. And she was  _not_  dealing with sexually frustrated Jane. She had already had her fill of that, thank you.

“I still don’t get it,” Darcy told her, turning blue eyes and distraught attention back on the petite blonde woman. Jane had the ability to keep cool in stressful situations. Darcy envied that ability.

“Neither do I,” Jane agreed. “Not really.. Not now. I’m sure that before long we’ll be able to understand what’s going on, though. Thor is going to keep me informed on everything. But he says it’s for the best if we stay out of it.”

“We stay out of it..?” Darcy tilted her head like she didn’t quite understand what that entitled.

“Entirely.” Jane ran a thumb along her own coffee mug.

“So.. We’re not allowed to do anything?”

“No-one is allowed to do anything,” Jane corrected. “This is a big deal, Darcy. A code-red by S.H.I.E.L.D. standards.”

“So, what are they going to do?”

“They still have to figure that out.”

She snorted. “Is the government involved at all?”

“I’m not sure if that’s the best idea, but I believe that, yes, they’ll have to be involved at some point.” Jane gave a clipped nod.

“So it’s serious.” She felt like she was in high school and she didn’t understand the assignment.

“Extremely,” Jane confirmed, voice cracking on the last syllable. She cleared her throat and took a drink out of the cup in front of her.

Darcy mimicked her actions unintentionally. “Can’t they call in the Sailor Scouts?”

“The  _Avengers_ ,” Jane corrected, “can’t do anything right now. Their hands are tied.”

“Because Asgard is protecting him?” Darcy looked apprehensive.

“Because he has their king,” Jane reminded.

“Can’t they just… Torture him or something?”

Jane’s eyebrows shifted up. “Torture? It’s S.H.I.E.L.D., Darcy. He’s a God.”

“What about his own planet? They can’t get it out of him?”

“He has Thor’s father,” Jane said exasperatedly, for the sixth time that day, “he could do anything to Odin.. And they would not be able to stop it.”

“So what if he already killed him?”

Jane shrugged.

“Did you just.. Shrug?” Darcy asked. The last time Jane shrugged, she legit thought they were going to die.

“I don’t know what else to say, Darce. That’s all that Thor would tell me. For the next couple of days, though, we’re going to have to be out of the picture, okay?”

And now Jane was going to talk to her like she was a toddler who didn’t know when to but-out? Darcy might have been stupid about some stuff, but she could respect boundaries when it came to earth being in potential danger. She huffed. “But what does he want to come down here for?”

“Thor didn’t say,” Jane explained. “Everything I’ve relayed is what he explained to me just a few hours ago. But he said the most important thing was keeping us safe. And our work safe,” she added.

Darcy chewed that over for a moment, her eyes suddenly very interested in the bleak cavern of liquid filling her coffee cup.

“So when are we going to get the stuff?” It was a final testament to a conversation Darcy desperately wished to expand on while simultaneously dreading the continuation of.

“That’s a good question,” Jane said. “I think we’ll need to head out sometime tonight. The whole agency will be on lock-down tomorrow and no one will be able to get in. Not even Tony.”

“Not even Tony?”

“No. Access is forbidden to anyone that wants to enter the building.” Jane took another sip of her coffee.

Darcy did too. “So they’re bringing this God dude there?”

“I didn’t say that,” Jane said, narrowing her eyes. “More than likely it will be somewhere far more remote- New Mexico. I highly doubt they would bring him to the base in Manhattan to discuss these things. He’s dangerous.”

“How dangerous? Like, Nick Fury without coffee dangerous?”

“He saved Thor and I’s life,” Jane told her, “but I still have my doubts concerning his trustworthiness and his sincerity- my high doubts. He’s a thousand year old trickster God. He’s capable of chaos.”

“And I’m a PMSing twenty four year old,” Darcy challenged, “that doesn’t mean I’m gonna destroy a city.”

Jane cracked a smile. “Are you sure about that?”

“Touche.” Darcy took her cup and made a toasting motion. “So, in all reality, they should just let me loose on his ass.”

“And he’d kill you.”

“Didn’t kill you.” Darcy blinked from under her eyelashes at Jane. “Maybe he had the hots for you.”

“He despises the human race,” Jane groaned.

“He despised the human race.” Darcy gave a dastardly grin. “Until he saw your tight little ass.”

“I am not discussing the prospect of a powerful Asgardian God having the hots for me-” Jane stopped mid sentence when Darcy’s grin grew three sizes too big and the reality of what she was saying had dawned on her.

Jane sighed. “Well that was ironic.”

Darcy erupted into a fit of giggles, doubling over in her own kitchen chair and holding her sides for moral support

Jane entertained a laugh at her own expense as well, before rolling her eyes at the cackling Darcy, and standing up with both the near-empty coffee mugs in hand. “Do you want some more spaghetti, or am I putting the rest in the fridge?”

“I’m just gonna leave it out.” Darcy waved a hand in the air at her. “Stop being so OCD about my kitchen. Have you seen  _your_  kitchen?”

“Thor lives at my residence,” Jane defended.

“And between the both of you you do a marvelous job at not cleaning. Which is excusable because you’re too busy getting it on.” Darcy leaned back in her chair, lifting the front legs up just a little bit.

A small, red flush crawled over Jane’s face. “You’re lack of a filter disturbs me.”

“Thank you.” Darcy smiled triumphantly.

“Not a compliment,” Jane snorted, placing both coffee mugs in the sink.

“Which reminds me,” Darcy piped up, “why are you not at home getting it on with your own personal Adonis before the shit hits the fan?”

“Thor is busy. His evil brother is coming to earth. He’s sworn to protect earth. Make the calculations, Darcy.”

“So no angry thunder sex for you?” Her dark eyebrows raised in mischief at the semi-miffed woman in her little kitchen.

Jane leaned back on the sink counter and glared at her, but that same flush flashed rapidly across her nose. “Tonight,” she reminded. “I’m calling you tonight and we’re going on a mission, so don’t fall asleep and don’t tell me you’re not coming and then show up ‘ _as a joke_.’”

“You’re no fun,” Darcy whined. “But you know I can’t resist a top-secret mission.”

“And no Ian,” Jane added.

Darcy glared at her. “That’s just low.”

“That’s business,” Jane said. “And no telling Ian… I’m not even supposed to tell you. Why did I even tell you?” She shook her head at her own insolence.

“Because you love me?” Darcy shrugged, giving a smirk.

Jane didn’t bother to entertain that with an answer. “Tonight, Darcy. Get ready,” she added, giving her a judgmental once-over.

“You got it. Can our secret team name be ‘the chastity belt?’”

“Why?” Jane asked, not wanting to know the answer.

“Because, like always, we’re saving our own asses.”

Jane was already shrugging her jacket on by the time Darcy delivered the punch line. “Ha, ha,” she grumbled as she grabbed her car keys-agent car keys- off of Darcy’s kitchen counter. She turned to look at the home owner- who was still leaning back in the chair with her hair pinned up wildly and a little bit of eyeliner smeared across her face- one last time before giving a tiny wave and exiting via apartment door.

Darcy was left thoroughly alone to contemplate her thoughts. And that was never a good thing.

Thor’s brother kidnapped his dad and now he wanted to come down to earth and have a man-to-man with S.H.I.E.L.D.. Even worse than that was the thought of Asgard protecting the sick bastard because they were so devoted to their king- Odin, if she remembered correctly from her ancient mythology class. If Darcy was an Asgardian citizen, she’d just say screw it and kill this crazy dude before he could cause anymore damage. Didn’t they have a back-up plan in case this sort of stuff decided to rear its ugly head? A backup king? Or was that Thor?

She sighed and brushed a hand through her hair, pulling it out of the messy ponytail. This alien stuff was getting old really fast. As soon as she thought everything was going to go back to normal, it all started up again. And this time it was Thor’s brother’s fault. Actually, all three times it had been Thor’s brother’s fault. Well damn.

__________________________________________________

Darcy checked her phone for the sixth time, pressed her hands back into her skinny jean pockets, and pursed her lips. Her foot was tapping nervously on the sidewalk while she leaned- she hoped inconspicuously- on the side of the building. She assumed she looked professional, but something in her subconscious whispered that her image, as of present, read more ‘drug-dealer’ than ‘S.H.I.E.L.D. agent.’

“God damn, Ian, did you die?” she murmured into the cool night, watching little beams of light from the street lamp fade under the cracks beneath her feet and the people and the cars pass by in a colorful mixture of night life from the street.

“I only wish.”

Darcy spun around and smacked the source of the male whisper in the shoulder, trying to hold in hold in a screech. “You’re a… What’s a mean word to call British people?”

“Git,” he offered.

“You’re a dick,” she said instead.

He smiled. “I have a feeling Jane told you not to bring me?”

“You had the right feeling, Ian.”

Both him and Darcy jumped three feet in the air at the intruder’s less than friendly tone. Jane stood behind them with her arms crossed. Erik was by her side, looking disappointed.

“This isn’t the best team,” the oldest man concluded after an intense stare down by both parties.

“Sorry we’re not the Avengers,” Darcy sneered.

“I told you to leave him-” Jane eyed Ian ”-at home.”

“He begged me to come,” Darcy explained.

“You told me I had to come,” Ian scoffed.

“Well let’s not get technical,” Darcy replied, smirking at the irony. Ian was a tech student, after all.

“What did she tell you?” Jane asked.

“That S.H.I.E.L.D. was actually an evil operation to rid the world of all junk food and we needed to break in and steal their chemical weapons.” Ian looked less than amused.

Darcy chuckled.

“But I’m assuming no one is going to explain to me the real reason we’re here,” Ian added, “so can we just get on with it?”

“It won’t take long,” Jane explained, “we parked the car out front and all I need to do is get some boxes of notebooks and paper work. No one hears about this. Ever. Yes?” She turned to all of them individually, eyes narrowed.

Darcy, Ian, and Selvig nodded in unison.

Jane reached up to the key pad beside the doors and punched in the numbers required to open them like she knew the code by heart. Once that was done, and they were through the first set, a lady security guard greeted them at the second pair of glass ones.

“Jane,” she nodded curtly at the group, her mouth taking on a grin at the familiar faces. “Make it quick.”

“Janet, were you trained in the military?” Darcy asked when she walked past the stout woman.

“Why?” She asked.

“Because everyone listens to you- even me.”

“That’s because I’m a cool security guard.” Janet flipped a wink her way before turning around and moseying back down the dark hallway toward the labs.

Three classic-music riddled, dry humored elevator rides later, they had arrived at the sixth floor of ‘S.H.I.E.L.D. Agency: Manhattan Base.’ Or, as the employees preferred to call it, ‘the place where I have to walk down six flights of stairs to get my coffee because the elevators take forever to reach their destination and they only have coffee on three floors. So I just get Starbucks.’

Okay, so the last part was pretty exclusive to Darcy.

When Jane unlocked her office door, each one of the group filed in. Erik flipped the lights on. Ian looked around.

“This looks more like a science lab,” he concluded after a moment.

“Don’t be stupid, Ian, we all know what Jane does for a living.”

Jane turned around to face Darcy. “And what is that?” she growled.

Darcy rolled her eyes. “Stripping.” Her tone oozed sarcasm.

Promptly ignoring her quip, Jane flung open a large cabinet to her left and dug out, with all the might in her tiny body, a hoard full of folded cardboard boxes, throwing each pile onto the floor at the team’s feet hurriedly and messily.

They all watched, each with hands stuck in their pockets, rocking back and forth on the soles of their feet- almost as if the trio was meant to be; Jane, the cold leader. Erik, the smarts. Ian, the tech geek. And Darcy, the humor. It worked.

Jane paused a moment to emerge from the cabinet. “So, is anyone going to.. Help?”

“Right!” Ian sprung into action, cheeks going red with embarrassment. He and Erik ran  to assist Jane in un-stocking the cardboard.

Darcy tugged down her sweater sleeves. “So I’m assuming this wont be a twenty minute job?”

“If you help, maybe,” Jane called, her voice muffled from inside the dark recesses of the cabinet.

And Darcy did. She really did. After about an hour and a half of stocking notebook after notebook into box after box and then carrying them outside to jam into their car (and running out of room in said car, forcing Ian to have to retrieve his own little van), she was trying not to complain, but failing horribly.

And Darcy’s complaining was perhaps the worst type of complaining because it consisted of her not shutting her mouth for ten damn seconds.

She could tell that both Jane and Erik were simultaneously going to take a portion of her body and pull her in half by the end of the second hour. Ian was lucky enough to make an escape, but even he was not immune to Darcy’s tiring sarcasm.

So Ian caved first. He handed Darcy his car keys and told her she could drive it to his place afterwards.

Erik was next. But he was old, so it was excusable.

The third hour of torturous paperwork sorting set in, and Darcy found herself sitting on the counter in her ACDC undershirt, socks, and the leggings she had stowed under her skinny jeans. Various candy wrappers and pieces of rogue paper were scattered around her folded legs, a coke was situated by her thigh, and her hair was pulled back from her shoulders in a sloppy bun with little pieces of ripped notebook paper stuck in its dark mass.

Every time Jane passed her, sulking back to the vending machines to get another water, she would comment on Darcy’s hair.

“Meh, it makes me feel like a jungle queen,” Darcy would reply, shrugging her shoulders. She picked her iPhone up and scanned through Instagram for a moment before returning to the task at hand and setting it back in the open drawer beside her foot.

She was halfway through her millionth stack of papers, when her tired eyes caught something interesting on the page. Actually interesting. So interesting that she felt the need to fling it in Jane’s face when the short woman trudged back into the office.

"Why are you throwing pictures of Loki at me?" Jane asked, pushing the picture away from her face promptly.

"That’s Thor’s brother?" Darcy pulled the paper back up to her own face to examine.

"Why does it matter?" Jane groaned.

"Because he’s hot."

"Darcy. He killed people." Jane snatched the picture from her hands and threw it into their ever-growing recycle pile.

"Don’t you need that?" Darcy whined.

Jane glared at her. “Are you really asking me to let you keep a picture of Loki?”

"He’s my type," Darcy shrugged.

"No. He’s not," Jane replied. "He’s a homicidal maniac."

"Exactly."

"You disturb me."

Darcy cackled.

By the time three thirty AM decided to peek its demon head round the corner, there was one more box stacked up in the corner ready to go. Darcy and Jane, before pulling most of their clothes back on and throwing various wrappers of delicious endeavors away, each picked up a side of the box, turned off the light, locked the door, and trudged two tired female asses out of S.H.I.E.L.D. agency with only one comment from the taller one; “so,” she said, “shouldn’t take long, huh? Looks like that hypothesis failed.” Jane shut her up with a pointed glare.

Darcy didn’t speak again until they were in the car.

“So,” she said, once they had collapsed into Ian’s car along with the heavy box of dead tree, “what do you say we play an old rock ballad, look out the windows melodramatically, and pretend we have a theme song on the way home?”

“I am getting that car back from Erik in the morning,” Jane grumbled. She looked over at Darcy with her hand covering her forehead. “Otherwise, that sounds great.”

Darcy grinned and reached a hand up to turn on the radio, but a tap at her window made her scream instead.

Jane flung herself against the passenger door.

Two wide eyes looked quizzically at the security guard knocking on the glass. Darcy pressed the button to roll it down. “Is this gonna be a new trend?” she asked aloud.

“What?” Janet asked.

Darcy sighed. “Nothing. Asgardian beefcakes. Windows. Ugh.”

“I left everything as it was, Janet,” Jane assured from the passengers seat, leaning over Darcy’s sprawled frame to stare at the guard. “I made certain.”

“Oh no,” she shook her head and pushed something through the open window. “You just forgot this.”

Darcy grabbed her pants and giggled. “I forgot my pants.”

Jane sucked in a breath that might have been an amused laugh.

Janet nodded at the pair. “Take care, ladies. See you at work- well, not tomorrow.” She gave a final, resounding shrug, and left Jane and Darcy sitting in the car without so much as a goodbye.

“I am never,” Darcy groaned, her head rolling over to the side that Jane was on, “doing that again.”

“We still have to unpack,” Jane reminded.

“I hate you.”

“Hate’s a strong word.” Jane smiled at Darcy, obviously pleased with her remark.

“That’s why I used it.”


End file.
